Remembering & Realizing

Remembering the first time I heard him cry, and thought it the most beautiful noise on earth.

Remembering the first time I saw his face, red and twisted into a shocked, angry expression after meeting the outside world. How I wished his first experience after birth was being placed calmly on my belly.

Remembering how my doula made sure I saw my baby before they swaddled him.

Remembering how I felt like the quintessential woman and mother the first time Baby Bird breastfed.

Remember the first time, in the hospital, I called him Baby Bird. He was mouth agape, trying to latch to feed, maybe two days old?

Remembering the first time we put him in his car seat, and how tiny he was.

Remembering the first trip to the grocery story. I had the baby blues and wanted to sob. A lady came over to ask how old Baby Bird was. When I said he was three days old, her jaw dropped and she told me how good I looked. She probably didn't understand why I looked so sad, but her compliment was appreciated and I will remember that for the rest of my life.

Remembering the first bath at home, and how we were terrified.

Remembering crying while he ate and ate and ate during growth spurts. I was convinced I would never leave the couch and never be able to leave the house alone again.

Remembering his first smile. My world has not lost its glow since them.

Remembering the three weeks where his reflux was at its worst, and my husband was working 12 hour days. Remembering his misery and my tears.

Remembering the brief stint of depression that followed.

Remembering the first time he laughed, and how we weren't totally sure what that funny little noise was but that he sure looked happy.

Remembering all the nights where we sat snuggled together in our rocking chair in the dark, drowsy and drifting.

Remembering seeing the whole room light up when I walked into his room and he smiled because I was there.

Remembering when we stopped fighting over naps and went with the flow.

Remembering the person I was before he was born and realizing that I don't care who that person was, because this is who I am now. I am, for the first time in my entire life, truly happy and fulfilled.

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Realizing that this feeling is for keeps, and that I have so much love to give that I want to have more babies.

Realizing that I can do this all-consuming motherhood thing and still manage to do some things just for me, too.

Realizing that I am far stronger than I ever believed possible.

Realizing that I am a better, kinder, more caring person than I thought I was.

Realizing that for the rest of my life, someone is going to call me Mum.